Excerpt from the book
“Love Smart with Your Heart: Desperation is a Terrible Perfume to Wear” by Jewel Diamond Taylor
When the public calls the 911 emergency line, records show that many people are lonely, need attention, have misdiagnosed their pain or overwhelmed with stress. Yes, there are legitimate calls from trauma and tragedy, but not all calls need intervention. Some people believe they have an emergency in a situation that does not pose a risk to life, physical health, or property. In these instances, some people feel entitled to an emergency response.
This is a metaphor for life. Love smart with your heart. You cannot respond to every emergency call from your family, friends, lover, organization, children, etc. As you grow in discernment, you will be able to heal from the disease to please others or try to buy their love and time with sexual favors, service or money. Every time your child, friend, lover or family calls you, remember, not all calls of distress are an emergency or your responsibility to fix. Some people are immature, irresponsible, co-dependent, playing games, taking advantage, manipulators, lazy, spiritually weak or lack good coping skills.
Are you trying to fix and rescue loved ones while forsaking your own health, worth, time, peace of mind, virtue and self-worth? Are you looking for love in all the wrong places and faces because your childhood sucked!?
I have counseled many women over the years and have created a name for the profile that I see all too often. She is the “911 woman”. 911 women are available anytime to rescue other people, fix people, respond to the needs of other people (i.e. sexual, financial, skills, time, comfort, etc.) sacrificing their own peace, self-esteem, virtue, money, credit, health, goals, salvation and self-worth.
Women who; had missing Fathers (emotional or physical), had a lousy childhood, abused, covered up bad behavior of alcoholic parents, had troubled or sick family members learn to endure emotional, physical or mental pain. These women get used to numbing their own feelings and needs. These women have a high tolerance of pain and neglect. Feeling powerless, invisible, neglected, ignored, abused, used or acting as the savior, rescuer or punching bag for others becomes their “normal.” These women tolerate distant and non-nurturing relationships. They become “loyal” to someone who continually disrespects, betrays, ignores or takes advantage of their relationship. Their alarm system has been broken. Their view of what love and safety should feel like has been distorted. They suffer silently and suppress their own needs and values. They don’t recognize when someone is in real need or when they must step back from creating a co-dependency relationship. These women unfortunately grow up to be “911 women.”
I am a recovering “911 woman”. While my mother was pregnant with my sister Joy, my mother moved me, my younger sister Jamila and my grandmother from Washington D. C. to California. My father was sad all the time when we would visit him. I took on his pain. My Mother later remarried a man who was a good provider but he was an alcoholic and very controlling. My mother was reserved, passive and emotionally distant. So I took on the role of taking care of my sisters. I became a “child adult”, very serious and protective. I learned at an early age emotional adaptive behavior to be the fixer, to cover up the dysfunction, comfort the sad, protect my sisters and numb my own feelings and silence my voice. My inner child learned the rules of silence, secrets, high tolerance, denial, care giving and enabling to survive in our rigid home.
As a wife and mother of two wonderful sons, I continued my pattern of co-dependency and wanted to be a fixer. I wanted to smother them with the love I didn’t experience. Allowing my sons to grow up and experience the consequences of their choices and experience the joys of life without responding to every request or emergency has been a real journey of growth for me. I have learned the hard way that love has to evolve into letting go and being smart about the dangers of enabling, helping and rescuing too much. Learning to value my voice in a house full of testosterone was a challenge for me. For many years I suffered in silence to avoid arguments. Questioning my husband’s excessive drinking and lack of communication was something I tolerated instead of confronting. My voice and confidence was never cultivated. It was pitiful! I never saw my mother model healthy self-esteem in her dysfunctional marriage. I wanted to help her and help my father while negating my own maturity and voice. My subconscious emotional coping pattern birthed my inner child to fix adults and subdue my needs. I’m sure this is why I birthed my women’s ministry, write books, facilitate retreats and have a passion to empower and encourage women to discover their voice and heal their self-esteem.
Fortunately, because of God’s grace through the spiritual fathering, model and teaching of our Bishop Kafela, my husband no longer drinks and he continues to grow in his communication skills. His great joy is serving in our church and sharing his testimony with young men to help them avoid the traps of alcohol. We both are products of our environment as children.
The unexpected blessing of growing and healing my own self-esteem is the by-product of wanting to help other women for over 25 years. The mystery for me is, “Why was it so easy to help others when I was in need also?” The teacher and student in me merged. I believe God can transform our mess into a message to inspire others. I believe you can triumph over your tribulations. I believe that you and I can transform our thinking rather than remain in deformed thinking. I believe you and I can rise above our damaged and broken selves and experience healthy love for ourselves and others. I believe you either remain hurt, numb, lonely and angry about your life or you learn to reach out help others. I believe that once you know better, you can do better! The payoff is so awesome. The more I stopped being vulnerable and volunteering to rescue others, tolerate pain or silence my voice, the more I discovered my value. I became stronger, wiser, and more confident the more I studied, shared, opened my heart and followed the guidance of God to serve other women. Yes, it is an on-going process of removing the layers of shame, guilt, hurt, secrets, poor choices and acceptance of the things, the past and the people you and I cannot change. You can start to heal and change your thinking when you become desperate or inspired to change. My goal with this book is to inspire you to want to assess your stress and be willing to truly see where you can grow smarter with the issues of your heart.
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. – Proverbs 4:23
Start observing your reactions, feelings, patterns and thoughts with compassion. Be willing to take the risk of setting personal boundaries which means learning not to be afraid of hurting others; having other people angry at you or feeling abandoned or losing a relationship. Pray for discernment, wisdom, boundaries and learn how to say “no” to demanding requests of your body, time and money. You can’t buy love or respect from others when you suffer from the disease to please. There is a difference between helping someone who is disabled, incapable, or sick versus helping someone who is resisting growing up and or taking advantage of your kindness and your hunger for love.
A child growing up in a dysfunctional home and shame experiences unspoken rules which creates a foggy sense of what is appropriate or inappropriate behavior.
Some of these rules include:
1. It’s not ok to talk about or express our feelings openly.
2. Don’t address issues or relationships directly.
3. Always be strong, always be good, always be perfect.
4. Don’t be selfish.
5. Do as I say. . .not as I do.
6. It’s not ok to play.
7. Don’t rock the boat.
8. Shhh… keep the family secrets
8. Don’t talk about sex
9. Be a nice girl…a “good” daughter”… a “good wife”…don’t complain
Do you think that if you give enough of your time, sex, help, talent and money to someone that you will be guaranteed love in return, a wedding ring, a commitment, respect, recognition, promotion or love?
Have you settled for convenience instead of commitment and a covenant which values you as a queen, a child of God, a woman of virtue?
When a woman trusts herself and truly provides her own validation, she stops making poor choices. When a woman stops being vulnerable and volunteering to save, fix, enable or tolerate bad behavior, she will no longer act like a victim. Learning to love smart with your heart helps you to grow stronger in choosing your friend, date and/or mate.
Just like dogs can smell fear, anyone without virtue will recognize a weak and needy person and take advantage of their vulnerability.
Desperation is an invisible quality. It’s an aura that a person can sense through your behavior, words and tolerance of bad behavior.
A good man who really cares and respects you would not take advantage of you.
If you are wearing the perfume of desperation, a dog can smell it. Unfortunately, he will misuse your body, time, money and heart.
Being needy, naive, desperate and having low expectations will surely cause you heartache and pain.
Men who have options don’t necessarily think that sleeping together means you’re in a serious “relationship”.
You may fall in love with some one’s personality but it’s their character you really live with. You deserve more than:
. a part time love
. a “booty call”
. shared love
. secret love
. “I love you if” kind of love
. abusive love (emotional or physical)
. a date withonly fast food and fast sex
To order your copy of this book and receive the Self-esteem CD message, call 323.964.1736 to pay by phone with debit/credit card.
or click here to process payment for the book and CD $25 includes shipping
click here to process payment for the book only $17.99 includes shipping
Or e-mail JewelMotivates@gmail.com to request an on-line payment link to process your payment on-line.
Or send your check/money order to:
Amount includes shipping – $25.00 with CD
Amount includes shipping – $17.50 no CD
To set up an appoint for counseling with Jewel Diamond Taylor aka “the Self-esteem Dr.”
e-mail JewelMotivates@gmail.com or call 323.964.1736