As the Self-esteem Dr. I counsel with so many women with depression. I hear so often “it’s hard being a single woman.” These women are doing what R&B singer Brandy sings about in one of her songs...“Sitting up here in my room waiting for you to invest in my happiness. I must confess I’m just a mess sitting up here in my room.” Whether the man in your life is a friend, lover or husband… men like women who like themselves. Women who have a very low self-esteem are dangerous. Men tend to think they are hysterical, stalkers, whiners, weak, clingy and needy.
I believe that too many times women don’t have the courage, faith and self-esteem to end a one-sided, abusive, neglectful or adulterous relationship. The idea of being alone or starting over is too scary. I believe sometimes when we don’t know how to protect and guard our hearts, God will end the relationship for us. And then I hear women say…”I don’t understand why he left me…I don’t understand why he won’t return my calls….I wonder what I did wrong?”
I’m not saying that the drama, disappointments, divorce and demise of relationships is always the man’s fault. Men hurt also. There are good men who give their all and get wounded also. This message is specifically written to empower women who need to boost their Relationships I.Q. This message is for women who want to heal and guard their hearts. So ask I women, “Are you one link in a chain of fools?” Are you living with hopeless devotion, waiting and waiting in a one-sided relationship? Your head probably knows it doesn’t make sense to keep trying, hoping, crying, waiting and wasting your time on someone who can’t return your love. It’s your heart that needs to see the truth. Your heart will keep remembering the good times and keep you in denial about the bad times.
Don’t be someone’s down-time, spare-time, part-time or sometime girl. If they can’t be there for you all of the time, then they’re not even worth your time.
Sometimes you’re not meant to make up after a breakup…it could be your wake up call to show you that you are not meant to be a couple. Love when you’re ready… not when you’re lonely. Sometimes you have to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve. You can’t see your next if you’re too busy looking at your Ex. Your EX should stay an EX. They’re the EXample of false love and an EXplanation for why you deserve better. Don’t search for a man that will solve all your problems, he won’t. Find one that won’t let you face them alone. Lust, loneliness, superficial love and a Saturday only kinda of love can make you blind. When someone shows you who they are, believe it. Take off your “pink” sunglasses. Notice the red flags waving that warn you he not the one. Follow your heart…but take your brain with you. If you are attracted to the unavailable, “bad boy”, selfish, controlling or player type, you won’t be with a prayer. Don’t just ask for a “good man”…seek a God man. Rushing into emotional or sexual intimacy causes us to fast forward and skip over the real process of building a relationship based on time, dating, communication, trust, asking qualifying questions, honesty, disciplining our hormones, shared values, boundaries and friendship.
Brandy’s song musically warns women to not put their life on layaway waiting or someone to invest in your happiness. It may sound hard and too cliche, but you’ve got to make your own self happy. When the door closes on a relationship and it wasn’t your choice, why would you want someone back who doesn’t love, respect, honor or want you?
I have heard women in my one-on-one life coaching sessions tell me how they prayed asking the Lord to reveal to them what they needed to know about their boyfriend or husband. “Lord let me know if he is cheating. Lord let me know if he is the one for me. Lord show me any flaws so I can decide if this relationship should go to the next level. Lord reveal to me if he is a controller…is he addicted to porn…will he be a good father to my children…does he have anger issues? Lord let me know if he is gay, a liar, on drugs, married and just playing with my emotions.”
When these ladies continued with their stories they told me their prayers were answered and they didn’t like what was revealed. They didn’t like seeing the truth because now they needed the courage, faith and self-esteem to make a decision. It’s better to be slapped by the truth then kissed with a lie. A relationship without trust is like a car without gas, you can stay in it as long as you want … but it won’t go any where. Guard your heart by keeping your eyes, ears and spirit open to guidance from God and those you trust.
With permission I share a recent email received and the response from the Self-esteem Dr. regarding relationships…
“I enjoyed your recent “Love Smart” presentation on relationships in Chicago. It is always such a blessing to hear from God as HE continues to utilize his magnificent gifts bestowed to you. We are all gifted. Sometimes it feels like the prize in the crackerjack box. I feel somewhat successful with my modest profession as a special education teacher. I have always dedicated my life to giving and being ever so thankful for every little thing that comes to me. I’ve isolated myself and have no confidence. I feel somewhat embarrassed that I can not move on from an issue that haunts me and I believe has hindered me from the full potential I can achieve. I’m in love with someone, who I know loves me with the capacity he can love. It isn’t enough. I feel a failure because I can’t believe :1) it didn’t work out. 2) I’m stuck 3) I’ve isolated and have torn my self-esteem to scraps of little self worth 4) I’m craving the co-dependency willing to settle for creeping and one-night interludes. A MESS!!
This brother is a good guy but he and I have such a bitter history. Dr. Jewel drugs play a serious part in this matter. And I know that is an immediate red flag but it is so complicated.
Today, I want to call him and apologize for sharing my views. Then I remember how ridiculous that is. He needed to know that I am loving and loved, an important creation to this planet, sent by God with a design that no man can and/or should change. Today, I want to celebrate loving and being loved, even and especially because it didn’t work out. Surely, he needed to learn how to treat a woman, and respect a lady. I am seeking an answer as to what the life lesson was to teach me. Because today I am still alone. Today, I feel the conflict of heart and mind. I have no willpower whatsoever. For this reason, I have become lazy, out of shape, lacking the energy for my ambitions. I am angry with myself because this is over someone whom I cannot control. Would we want to share a life with someone who you can control? I think not! When I know that he is there just loving me, from a distance, I am so secure. As soon as we confronted the finality of our relationships, I became broken inside. Strange……Help with a word, a mantra, to move on. You see it’s been a year of creeping, back and forth, professing our love to one another without making the sacrifices needed to solidify a commitment. Does love exist? Am I deluded? I’m an intelligent woman, but I keep making stupid mistakes. Please send me your book because you ran out of them when you here teaching on this subject. Thank you again, for your ear.” E. S. Hopeless Romantic
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