7 Suggestions for Parenting Adult Children

parents adult childrenBeing the parent of adult children is sometimes more difficult than when the children are still at home. I can’t tell you how many strained relationships, bitterness, hurt and even anger I’ve witnessed over the years with adult children. I know some young adults who, though they still speak, avoid their parents influence because of the way it has been offered to them. I know some parents of adult children who are miserable watching their adult children make bad decisions, but not knowing how to reach them.

Thankfully, I have a wonderful relationship with my two adult children. They are two of my best friends. But, I’m careful. I want to protect my influence in their life. And, I know the lines are delicate at times.

So, I offer these thoughts with reservation — knowing that I don’t know it all — but I do have some “experienced” thoughts.

Here are 7 suggestions for parenting adult children:

Speak reservedly – Don’t share every opinion you have about how they should be handling their life. That’s a key word. It’s “their” life. And, they may not tell you in so many words, but most adult children want to live their life. Just like you probably want to live yours. You can share on occasion — especially when asked or you know they are about to make a major mistake — but if you share everything it will eventually be noise not influence in their life.

Model – Be the maturer one in the relationship. That makes sense, right? You’ve got more experience, shouldn’t you have more maturity? I’ve known parents who give the silent treatment to their adult children because they didn’t call when they should or perform as they expected. Is that the mature response? And, does it work? It may guilt a response but it doesn’t promote growth and health in the relationship. Model the behavior you think your adult children should have. They will likely follow actions more than words.

Pray – Pray like crazy for your adult kids. Intercede for them. You don’t even have to tell them you are — although occasionally I suspect they’d like to hear it — even if they act like they don’t. In fact, when you’re tempted to worry about them — pray for them. It’s far more powerful and one of the best ways you can influence them.

Remember you were once this age. That’s a key. Remember what it was like to be their age. You wanted to explore. You had dreams. You were scared at times. Confused. Not sure what steps to take. Some days you were just trying to hold it all together. You didn’t know everything. You were still learning. (Hopefully you still are.) You got aggravated at parents at times. And, those parents got aggravated at you. Remember? Try to identify with them by remembering you at their age again. You can influence them better if you can identify more with their season of life.

Keep the door open. Always. As soon as you close the door — when you draw hard lines on the ground or place strict rules upon the relationship — it will be much harder to open the doors again. That doesn’t mean you have to let them take advantage of you. There may be some non-negotiable issues, but let those be rare. Be generous with grace and forgiveness. Remember, you’re trying to develop a long-term opportunity to influence them.

Love them more than their life. You may not love all the decisions they are making. You may even think they are making a mistake. Again, if there’s an open door to share your insight — share it. I find writing a letter is sometimes the best way, especially if communication is strained. But, the fact is again, you are not raising — you’re influencing. And, they may or may not accept your influence. So, love them — generously and unconditionally — more than you love the decisions they are making with their life. And, make sure they know how unconditional your love is also. It will guard your influence — if not now — in the future.

Guard the heart. Yours and theirs. You want to protect the opportunity to speak into their life for years to come. Be careful making statements or doing things you may later regret.

Hopefully, if influence is protected — if they can understand your intentions towards them are good — you can speak into their life — from your success, your failure, and your experience.

article by Ron Edmondson http://www.ronedmondson.com/

6 Things That Can Mess Up Your Life

6 ps stop achieving goals

There are so many factors that can rob you of peace, block your blessings and stop you from achieving your dreams and goals.  Below is a partial list of some of the most critical hindering factors:

1. People – Surround yourself with people of like mind, similar interests/values and who have a positive impact on your life.  You won’t grow around negative people who lack faith and live in fear, drama, and dysfunction.

2.  Past – Don’t dwell on your negative past which only increases guilt, shame and a low sense of self-worth.  You can’t focus on your past and bright future at the same time.

3.  Pity parties – Seek ways to heal any depression, grief, sadness, discouragement or self-loathing.

4.  Present situation – If your present circumstances are unpleasant, challenging or limiting…remember, this, too, shall pass.  Don’t allow your present circumstances to steal your hope, joy and faith.

5. Procrastination is birthed out of fear, low self-esteem, doubt and lack of organization in your life.  Procrastination is a thief.  Get rid of clutter.  Think about the rewards or the consequences you will have if you don’t take some positive action steps today to break the habit of avoidance. Get busy!

6. Pain – If you are suffering from any emotional or physical pain, seek help. It’s difficult feeling optimistic, grateful and productive if you are ignoring any symptoms of pain.  You need your mind and body healthy, clear and energized.  Get your life, joy and health back.

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ReEvaluate Your Relationships

evaluateYou know it’s time re-evaluate and sometimes separate from people in your life…

 . When the people around you question your assignment and they are jealous, insecure, instigate drama and can’t celebrate your success.

 . When the people around you shake your ladder of success instead of holding it for you.

. When they blow things out of proportion, exaggerate and dramatize every situation.

 .  When your friends become territorial and jealous of your mate, children, friends or your personal drive for success.

. When you have a “high maintenance” friendship (e.g. too needy, requires too much time, attention, compliments and reassurance because they are easily offended, they have no boundaries, they need you to co-sign all of their drama, gossip and poor decisions.)

 . When they smile in your face while trying to take your place.

. If they rather talk about your past instead of your possibilities.

. When they help you decorate for your pity party instead of encouraging you to get up.

. When their drama filled/toxic relationship is influencing your marriage/relationship.

.  When small thinking people try to speak fear into your big faith.

. When they think like a chicken and stay on the ground floor but you think like an eagle and you are ready to soar.  It’s time to re-evaluate or separate from people they don’t want to see you fly and try to pull you down from the sky.

 Your associations determine your destination.” ~ Jewel Diamond Taylor, http://www.DoNotGiveUp.net

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     frozen in fear
      A childhood memory, hurt, mistake, loss or disappointment can become so frozen in your mind that it becomes a huge blockage to your joy, peace, loving relationships, healing and success.
     I remember  hearing some mean and harsh words from a family member which caught me off guard.  The words hurt like a bullet in my heart.  I was in shock.  I was hurt.  I was frozen for days.  Then I remembered something I learned.  An emotional wound has the power to hurt like a physical wound.   Our brain is hard wired to remember the negative interactions more than the positive ones.  So if we keep remembering, ruminating and rehearsing in our minds the hurt, financial struggle, messy divorce,  hurt, rape, abuse, betrayal, car accident, social rejection or argument …it’s like the wound is happening all over again.  We give the negative more power and a stronghold on our mind, heart and soul.  I had to stop rehearsing in mind my default thinking and that hurtful conversation.
     My objective in speaking, teaching and coaching others is to help them experience an epiphany of awareness.  It’s that aha! moment of connecting the dots to realize your self-destructive patterns and erroneous thinking, stronghold, e.g.
.   Are you overeating to comfort your pain of loss, rape, betrayal, divorce or abuse?  No wonder dieting doesn’t work.  Until you can reconcile your past, the yo-yo weight and endless diet crazes will frustrate you.  You may feel unworthy, ugly, unwanted or unable to handle the attention of sexual flirtations if your healthy body emerged.  It’s time to thaw out those frozen feelings.
. Staying in a fruitless and futile relationship, job, organization or church could be a sign you suffer from people pleasing.  Abuse, dysfunction, secrets and guilt can cause you to be frozen and paralyzed suffering in fear and little or no faith or hope.
     Fear sells!  Abusers, manipulators and even advertisers use fear to keep people frozen or to buy their products or buy their lies.  If you believe in scarcity, you will remain stuck.  If a manipulator or messages from society have filled your head with fear, lies and doubt, you will become frozen.  Faith and trust in the Lord brings liberty and abundance.   It’s time to thaw out those frozen feelings of fear.
     If you have internalized shame, betrayal, abandonment, guilt or fear, you become wired for; alcohol, drugs, risk-taking behavior, procrastination, overspending, overeating, gambling, obsession, perfectionism, zoning out (disassociation), controlling, drama, anger, exhausting combat behavior and addictive relationships.
    A frightening experience can leave a tattoo on your soul.  It can freeze your faith, self-esteem, joy and sense of hope.  In order to thaw out those frozen bad feelings and restore your joy, it takes repetition.  If you have my CDs and books, read them again and again.  Read your Bible and other spiritual materials again and again.  Re-visit your notes and journals.  Repetition rewires your thinking.  Your new thinking changes your behavior.  New behavior produces new outcomes.” ~ Jewel Diamond Taylor, The Self-esteem Dr.

Less Stress…More Success

have more peace

 Don’t give up on your possibilities but give up those things that bring you pain and blocks your growth, healing and progress!

1.  Give up your need to always be right

2.  Give up your need for control

3.  Give up thinking you are not worthy

4.  Give up your self-defeating self-talk

5.  Give up your limiting beliefs and small dreams

6.  Give up complaining

7.  Give up any fantasies or denial

8.  Give up your need to impress others

9.  Give up your resistance to change

10. Give up waiting for all green lights…just get started

11. Give up on your fears

12. Give up your excuses

13. Give up the past

14. Give up power struggles

15. Give up trying to change people

16. Give up enabling others who use, abuse, manipulate, ignore you or

      don’t see your value.

17. Give up draining, toxic, drama-filled and unhealthy relationships.

18. Give up waiting for the perfect time or perfect person.

19. Give up procrastinating

20. Give up the bitterness, anger, secrets and shame.

21. Give up impulsive habits (eating, spending, drugs, love addictions)

       by Conference Speaker, Author, Life Coach and Spiritual Teacher, Jewel Diamond Taylor, www.DoNotGiveUp.net