Thinking of my family ancestor Rasul, my mother’s brother. I feel his spirit with me today guiding me. Rasul was an amazing thought leader in New York and one of my first mentors. He gave me a small booklet over 20 years ago by Alice Steadman…“Who’s the Matter With Me.” So often when we are troubled, we ask ourselves…or other people ask us…”WHAT is the matter with you.?” You can be terribly sick and off balance from your past or present relationships with people who are; toxic, manipulative, immature, selfish, messy, greedy, abusive, controlling, overly critical, insecure, secretive, ungrateful, deceitful, and narcissistic. Your silence, long suffering, shame, rejection, resentment, abuse, mixed feelings, guilt, lack of boundaries, and trauma can literally make you sick. WHO is the matter with you my friend?
- The emotion of resentment can become familiar, addictive, and justified while it paralyzes you. Heal and free yourself and others. Your pain can become your purpose /profession/ministry. The more you share your pain, testimony, faith, and story… it lessens the pain. If you have resentment about the burden of caregiving for a loved one, an unhappy childhood, a messy divorce, loss of a job, or sibling rivalry…write about it, journal, make a movie, write a play, start a discussion group, teach about, dance it out, discover some positive therapeutic and creative ways to express and release your pain.
- Re-visiting old pain and disappointments can lock you into thinking you are not worthy. My coaching/counseling approach supports others to discover their voice and discover their worth in the rumble of shame, hurt, betrayal, and grudges.
- Become aware when you are ruminating (constantly chewing on the same issue), re-visiting the scene of the crime, and wondering “why” it happened. Notice what triggers you to take that trip down memory lane. Become aware of your habits to soothe your pain or stirs up agitation instead of seeking peace, solutions, and healing.
- In most cases, the person who hurt you has no idea about the depth of your pain and shame. They may never be aware or accountable for their part in your injury. Sometimes when you confront the one who hurt you, they will try to turn it around and act like they are the victim. You may never hear “I’m sorry.” Your intention and focus can be to move forward knowing that your pain may never be confirmed by the abuser. It’s a mystery. Yes, it’s unfair…but it happens.
- Acknowledge that you cannot control those who have rejected you. Remember Maya Angelou’s famous quote, “When somebody shows you who they are…believe it.” Sometimes you may be the closest target for someone acting out their pain, dysfunction, insecurities, anger issues, and lack of maturity.
- Begin to create and desire a new normal. It happened, now you can vow to start a new chapter in your book of life. That chapter is a part of your story…however, you can write a new chapter.
- Become aware of 7 emotional traps that can trigger your resentment; 1) financial stress, 2) watching other’s who you perceive to have a better life, 3) a major change in your life, 4) loneliness/isolation, 5) exhaustion, 6) burnout in your faith and trust in God, and 7) a new injury of rejection, loss, disappointment or betrayal. These are 7 dangerous triggers…call me for your one-on-one session 323.964./1736.
- The more you tell your story…the less the power that painful experience has over you. Holding in resentment, secrets, anger, and shame are corrosive to your physical/mental health and soul.
- Some pain is self-inflicted. Some pain happened because; I ignored the red flags, I had unspoken expectations, I found it difficult to let go, my heart wasn’t guarded, my eyes weren’t open or I expected someone to treat me the way I treat others. Acknowledge your part in allowing, suppressing, not speaking up, excusing, or diminishing the abuse to occur, forgive yourself for that, and make a decision to not let it occur again.
10. Pray for the mindset and courage to begin the PROCESS of forgiving when you can which is actually a gift for yourself. Think about using the term “letting go” instead of forgiveness. Untie yourself from the pain and your expectations. Letting go doesn’t mean the person who hurt you is free from the consequences. You are free. Letting go is a decision to free yourself from the painful past. It is a choice. Finding relief from your own pain is a process. Resentment hurts you far more than the person toward whom you bear a grudge. Forgiveness does not come naturally. In fact, it is supernatural. It is God’s way—His idea.
One day you will wake up and find yourself thinking differently about the one who hurt you. You may never like or trust this person, but the intensity of your hurt will diminish. One day you will find yourself praying for your offender. Soon you will realize you are free. Forgiveness is the road to freedom. But it makes little sense unless seen in the context of Christ’s forgiveness toward you. Refuse to be a victim. Cancel the debt. Move on with your life. Allow God to be the justice maker.
As a life coach/counselor/talk therapist, aka The Self-esteem Dr., I provide therapeutic insights and self-soothing techniques, and you’ll discover powerful skills to positively transform your perspective and unearth lessons from your experiences so that you may begin to heal and exhale. You’ll be able to move forward reclaiming your wounded self and feel liberated and lighter with self-awareness, acceptance, hope, health, peace, and faith in our Most High God.”
Written by The Self-esteem Dr. Jewel Diamond Taylor, author, keynote speaker, life coach, and founder of Women on the Grow.
email – Jewelmotivates@gmail.com
call – 323.964.1736