Break free from dysfunctional generational patterns

What is the story you have been telling yourself?  When you are consumed with fear, grief, disappointment, rejection, shame, worry or anger it is difficult to “see” the bigger picture.  It is difficult to hear from God.

To survive…you may detach, shut down, go into denial, strive for perfectionism and live in hyperdrive to achieve, lash out to others, severely blame yourself, overeat, overspend, and define yourself by your past.  You may have blind spots and cannot see hope, your future, your value or the bigger picture.

Are you cruising on auto-pilot and not really aware of the story in your head…not aware or willing to admit you have given your power away living in fear, abuse, poor health, toxic relationships, procrastination, financial stress, depression, shame, blame, resentment, burn out, loneliness, addiction or secrets?

You can learn to change how you see and interpret your past.  You can learn to re-work your old narrative stories of being a victim, unworthy, powerless, useless and meaningless to find the lesson, peace, and renewal.

You can find something worthwhile, in what, at one point seemed unbearable, inconvenient, unfair, stressful or painful episodes in your life. 

God can write a best seller in you. Your life story is important. 

The characters in your story may be loving, mysterious, helpful, hurtful, sad, misbehave or leave you.   Each one is writing pages in your book of blessing.  Some of your chapters are long and some are short.

To survive an adverse childhood full of dysfunction, instability, abuse or neglect, you have unconsciously taken on the role of;

. The Helper, The Co-dependent, The Enabler, The Sad One

. The Comedian, The Goof off, The Slacker

. The Good Child, The Perfectionist, The Narcissist,

. The High Achiever, The Low Maintenance Child (the invisible ghost)

. The Truth Teller, The Defiant/Angry One, The Scapegoat/Black Sheep

. The Emotional Dumpster, The Drama Queen, The Addict

. The Lost Child, The Adjuster, The Caretaker, The Mascot

. The Silent Sufferer, The Responsible Child, The Family Hero

reframe

Discover your authentic self (e.g. the pain and joy, your unique strengths and gifts, talents, trials and triumphs, being lost and found, interests and purpose) WITHOUT the denial, anger, illusion, fantasies or creating another generation of dysfunction, pain, addictions, secrets, and brokenness.

Your past may be ugly, painful or traumatic.  You have to acknowledge it but you don’t have to let it define, limit or imprison you.  I help others to reframe and learn how to heal those broken places in their lives by acknowledging the truth of their past circumstances and choices. You can learn to break free from dysfunctional generational patterns.

Get self-motivated Get your own matches to get on fire to live your life of purpose, joy, truth, courage, love, peace, health and abundance.  What this brief video message…you will be glad you did.” 

12 Steps to Guard Your Heart (Proverbs 4:23)

  1. michelle obama quotePray for discernment to know when someone is fake and abusing you. A person’s words and actions should line up.  The adversary/trickster can use many fiery arrows, disguises, words, and emotional traps to get you in a web of doubting yourself, abuse, lies and stress.  Love should not hurt.  Stay prayed up and surround yourself with healthy relationships that are drama-free.
  2. Learn that “no” is a complete sentence.  Establish and honor your own boundaries which teaches others how to treat you.
  3. Recognize when you are people pleasing and stop it.
  4. Speak up when someone disrespects you.
  5. Delete the phone number or at least distance yourself from people who drain you and rob you of your peace, money, time and trust.
  6. Realize you can’t fix and change people. Remember Maya Angelou’s quote, “When somebody shows you who they are … believe it.” We all eat lies, empty promises and quick snacks of “fast food love” when our hearts are hungry. Guard your heart from the blurred lines of desperation, loneliness and a healthy self-esteem.
  7. Overcome desperation, blind spots or being naive.  It’s painful to admit, but your job, church, family and friends may be taking your kindness for weakness.  Be careful about discussing your finances, love life, marriage, and past blunders because unfortunately some people lacking integrity will use the information against you or try to get money from you.  It’s also important to not be defensive and blind when the people who have your back are pointing out some of the blind spots you are ignoring about your relationship (especially abuse).
  8. Do the people around you have anger issues? Walk away from unnecessary arguments and power struggles.  Choose your battles wisely.
  9. Practice and embrace the “serenity prayer.”
  10. Remember your worth and don’t compromise your self-esteem, values, voice or faith.
  11. Get emotionally strong and resilient so people won’t see you as a push over.  Forgive yourself for the blindness that let others deceive, use and betray you.  Sometimes a good heart like yours … doesn’t see the bad in others.
  12. Confide in your safe place of friends, peers or family member so you can release the anger, resentment and stress.book cover self esteem follow your heart
    Send me Jewel’s book for my emotional wellness and wisdom building Click here to purchase your autographed copy today

jewel writing with penThese are lessons I had to learn the hard way.  I share these 12 gems with you to strengthen your heart and emotional well-being. ~ Jewel Diamond Taylor, The Self-esteem Dr., 323.964.1736, e-mail me- JewelMotivates@gmail.com

self esteem broken pieces guard your heart

 

Divorce Survival Tips

divorce

Divorce can be a very messy, costly and stressful time.  I just wanted to share some helpful strategies for those in this dilemma from  experienced civil and family attorney Areva Martin  who offers her tips for how to protect yourself if you’re getting a divorce. Know your rights when it comes to spousal support, child support and marital assets — you’re not as powerless as you may feel.

Divorce proceedings are like war in most cases. You need to be prepared for the battle.
Before you even consider filing, consult with at least three attorneys in your area to find out upfront fees, etc. Seek good advice early on. Most cities have legal aid societies, and many lawyers offer free 30-minute consultations. Also, meet with your accountant to understand tax consequences and other issues related to valuation of property, retirement plans, stocks, etc.
Consider the timing of your divorce. If your spouse is due a bonus or raise, wait until it is paid out before filing, to avoid any claim that its not marital property. If you have been in long-term marriage, stick it out to the 10-year mark. This will help you get more of your spouse’s social security. Once you decide to get a divorce, file first. There are some advantages in a divorce proceeding for the person who files first.
Make yourself indispensible. Make sure your name is on all bank accounts, investment accounts, deeds of trust, utilities, etc. and that joint signatures are needed. This will prevent your spouse from raiding your bank accounts.
Make copies of all documents (tax returns, bank statements, credit card bills, W-2 forms, mortgage statements, loan agreements, etc.)
Track down the assets. You need to know where every penny is. This includes bank accounts, stocks, bonds, jewelry, etc. In a divorce, each spouse has to disclose all assets, but often individuals are less than forthcoming. Know what is out there as half, or some portion of it, is yours.
Protect your credit. You will need your credit to start your new lifestyle. Don’t co-sign for your spouse.
Stash some cash. You need to start saving your money well before you file. Your spouse probably already has money tucked away.
Try to negotiate temporary support payments. If you and your spouse are able to talk, try to negotiate temporary alimony and child support payments that will tide you over until divorce is final.
Separate your money. Take half of the money out of your accounts so that you will have some money to live on and so that your spouse won’t beat you to it.
Dust off your resume. Even though you may be entitled to alimony, it’s discretionary, and it won’t last forever.
Custody is decided by the courts when contested. It’s better to try to work something out before getting the courts involved. The courts have an obligation to determine who is in the best position to care for the children and what is in the best interest of the children. In most cases, assuming both parents are fit, the court will award joint custody, as law assumes children need both parents.
Don’t put the kids in the middle. Keep your kids out of it. Don’t involve them in the decision to get a divorce or any of the particulars. It’s bad for the kids, and it makes you look bad in a custody battle.
Don’t alienate your children from your spouse. Judges hate this, and it’s bad for the children.
Child support is mandated by law ” don’t worry. If your spouse has a job, and you have the kids, he or she will pay child support, and it can be garnished from his or her wages.
Document any type of abuse.
Decide who to confide in. During this planning stage, keep your discussions limited to one or two people you can trust and who you know won’t talk to your spouse.
Don’t fall for the hype. Don’t let your spouse convince you that you will end up with nothing, or you will be kicked out of the house. Your spouse doesn’t make these decisions, the judge does. Half of everything your spouse owns belongs to you.

7 Suggestions for Parenting Adult Children

parents adult childrenBeing the parent of adult children is sometimes more difficult than when the children are still at home. I can’t tell you how many strained relationships, bitterness, hurt and even anger I’ve witnessed over the years with adult children. I know some young adults who, though they still speak, avoid their parents influence because of the way it has been offered to them. I know some parents of adult children who are miserable watching their adult children make bad decisions, but not knowing how to reach them.

Thankfully, I have a wonderful relationship with my two adult children. They are two of my best friends. But, I’m careful. I want to protect my influence in their life. And, I know the lines are delicate at times.

So, I offer these thoughts with reservation — knowing that I don’t know it all — but I do have some “experienced” thoughts.

Here are 7 suggestions for parenting adult children:

Speak reservedly – Don’t share every opinion you have about how they should be handling their life. That’s a key word. It’s “their” life. And, they may not tell you in so many words, but most adult children want to live their life. Just like you probably want to live yours. You can share on occasion — especially when asked or you know they are about to make a major mistake — but if you share everything it will eventually be noise not influence in their life.

Model – Be the maturer one in the relationship. That makes sense, right? You’ve got more experience, shouldn’t you have more maturity? I’ve known parents who give the silent treatment to their adult children because they didn’t call when they should or perform as they expected. Is that the mature response? And, does it work? It may guilt a response but it doesn’t promote growth and health in the relationship. Model the behavior you think your adult children should have. They will likely follow actions more than words.

Pray – Pray like crazy for your adult kids. Intercede for them. You don’t even have to tell them you are — although occasionally I suspect they’d like to hear it — even if they act like they don’t. In fact, when you’re tempted to worry about them — pray for them. It’s far more powerful and one of the best ways you can influence them.

Remember you were once this age. That’s a key. Remember what it was like to be their age. You wanted to explore. You had dreams. You were scared at times. Confused. Not sure what steps to take. Some days you were just trying to hold it all together. You didn’t know everything. You were still learning. (Hopefully you still are.) You got aggravated at parents at times. And, those parents got aggravated at you. Remember? Try to identify with them by remembering you at their age again. You can influence them better if you can identify more with their season of life.

Keep the door open. Always. As soon as you close the door — when you draw hard lines on the ground or place strict rules upon the relationship — it will be much harder to open the doors again. That doesn’t mean you have to let them take advantage of you. There may be some non-negotiable issues, but let those be rare. Be generous with grace and forgiveness. Remember, you’re trying to develop a long-term opportunity to influence them.

Love them more than their life. You may not love all the decisions they are making. You may even think they are making a mistake. Again, if there’s an open door to share your insight — share it. I find writing a letter is sometimes the best way, especially if communication is strained. But, the fact is again, you are not raising — you’re influencing. And, they may or may not accept your influence. So, love them — generously and unconditionally — more than you love the decisions they are making with their life. And, make sure they know how unconditional your love is also. It will guard your influence — if not now — in the future.

Guard the heart. Yours and theirs. You want to protect the opportunity to speak into their life for years to come. Be careful making statements or doing things you may later regret.

Hopefully, if influence is protected — if they can understand your intentions towards them are good — you can speak into their life — from your success, your failure, and your experience.

article by Ron Edmondson http://www.ronedmondson.com/