Comfort seekers, peace makers and conflict avoiders won’t express their true feelings when someone hurts you or betrays you. You’re afraid of the rejection you might receive if you honestly express your emotions and therefore don’t assert yourself. This often leads to depression, passive aggressive, self-destructive behavior and being an easy target for manipulation from others. A passive aggressive person is one who finds other means and ways to express his feelings and thoughts indirectly so as to hide the real feelings and thoughts. Usually the term is linked with feelings of piled up anger, but in a broader sense it refers to a person not being capable to be honest about his desires and emotions (passivity), and as a result they retaliate in frustration of not being able to be truthful (aggression).
If you cannot cope with your feelings and develop your voice regarding your relationSHIFT, jealousy, neglect, arguments, addictions, in-laws, blended family issues, finances, unhappiness, dishonesty in your marriage… passive aggressiveness can manifest (i.e. cheating affairs, burning dinner, lying, forgetfulness, pouting, sleeping in separate rooms, talking against your mate to your children, friends, co-workers or parents, silent treatments, no intimacy, no sex, sabotaging vacations, over working and busyness to stay away from home, sickness, depression, helplessness, neglecting home cleaning, clutter, excessive shopping or excessive eating, neglecting your appearance, acting like a victim, separate friends and activities).
Because the passive-aggressive doesn’t think they have many tools or self-worth to deal with the ups and downs of relationships, they rely on old patterns or what they saw parents or siblings or friends do in their relationships. When I began to honestly recognize my triggers of avoiding conflict, I had to admit I became a silent sufferer, procrastinator, a peacemaker, comfort seeker and conflict avoider.
I learned as a child and wife to repress, deny and ignore my true thoughts and feelings. When my mother died from breast cancer, I didn’t cope well emotionally or spiritually. That big SHIFT in our family rocked my world. I was afraid to express and feel my sadness and pain.
In the past when my husband and I had conflict or I felt unhappy and powerless, I wasn’t in touch with my anger. There were many SHIFTS in our marriage. By the time our oldest son died from cancer I had learned not to suppress my sadness. I believe I coped with the loss of our son (SHIFT) much better than when my mother transitioned. It still hurts but I have learned to give myself permission to talk about, grieve and take care of myself.
If you cannot cope with your emotions and SHIFT about your job … passive aggressiveness can show up (i.e. being late, gossip, severe absenteeism, slow productivity, long lunches, stealing, talking about co-workers or your boss behind their backs).
Anger and sadness are emotions that tell us when something is wrong, it can help you in terms of getting you to focus, pray, speak up, distance yourself from the boundary bullies, evaluate your values, needs and priorities, take care and honor yourself, identify your purpose and goals and strengthen your relationships and connections with God and others around you. Expressing emotions doesn’t make you weak… but believe me… ignoring them does. This blog is an excerpt from my book “SHIFT HAPPENS”. Order yours today and I will send your autographed copy to you to add to your personal library/ tool box.
Book “Shift Happens”
by Jewel Diamond Taylor $18.50 plus $3.50 shipping
Even though our society enjoys the benefits of technology, fast food, Amazon, Netflix, emails, smart phones and same day dry cleaning…these conveniences have affected our ability to be patient. We live expecting, craving and even demanding instant gratification. There is no APP in the digital world to replace the long process of building relationships or building your business, ministry or friendships. There are no short cuts.
We want to; lose weight instantly, be promoted instantly, fall in love instantly, receive the the hits and “likes” on our instagram, twitter or facebook posts. etc. There is a process to become; sober, graduate from college, parent your children, develop your confidence, build trust in friendship, mature in your marriage, recover and heal from loss, or have your book to become a best seller.
Be aware of the two demons that can kill your self-worth, patience, faith and endurance. Craving instant gratification and comparing yourself to others on social media, at church, on your job or what you see on TV has caused an increase of people and youth being easily bored, depressed and addicted to substances to numb their pain. You need faith, time, patience, stamina and coping skills to achieve your goals.
Do not believe the things you tell yourself when you are sad or alone. When you are frustrated and impatient what kind of temptation is knocking on your door (e.g. give up, emotional eating/spending, gambling, deceit/cheat, drugs/alcohol, shut down, disconnect, procrastination)?
If you’re always tired, hungry, lonely, mad, sad, rushed, stuck, scattered, depressed or stressed, you’ll increase the likelihood of giving into temptation. Be careful of the “what-the-hell attitude.” It’s a slippery slope that leads to disaster.
You were born to succeed and overcome those tricks, traps and emotional triggers.
Simply knowing you have to be accountable for your actions keeps you focused on a habit change. Regularly communicate with someone who shares a similar desire to make a lasting change.
~ Jewel Diamond Taylor, keynote speaker, author, life coach, emotional wellness educator, http://www.DoNotGiveUp.net
Depression thrives on fear and hopelessness. If your brain is worn out by thinking about stress, anxiety, doom, shame and “what if”…your brain gets exhaustion from the rumination and lack of good sleep. When your brain is flooded with stress hormones, it is difficult for your brain to see new perspectives, possibilities and hope. Shame and low self-esteem thrive on silence, secrecy, judgment and isolation which is the perfect breeding ground for addictions.
As a life coach I help others to find creative ways to get unstuck and calm their thinking and reframe their identity from shame to hope to healing to resiliency.
Call 323.964.1736 to schedule your one-on-one time with Jewel Diamond Taylor or email – JewelMotivates@gmail.com
Sadly, I admit I have lost money, time, opportunities, sleep and peace of mind from the terrible habit of avoiding important tasks. I am not totally recovered. However, gladly, I have seen so much progress and gained some self-respect, effectiveness, progress and peace of mind because of these following practices I put into place to break old habits.
To increase my daily success of achieving my tasks. I have to psyche myself out because I know the words, habits and thoughts in my head that block and sabotage my progress which causes me to avoid tasks and eventually pay the consequences. So instead of having a “to do” list…I have a “things to finish” list. When I hear “to do” it sounds to wide open and vague. “Things to finish” is my kick in the behind to not only do something…but finish my task. I have learned that my self-talk changes how I do things. Since I read my emails daily…all day…I send myself an email with the subject line “To finish“.