Help for a Broken Heart

I’m smart in some areas of my life, but I was in the slow class of learning how to love smart with my heart.  I wasn’t alone in this class.  Many women are smart on their jobs, in college, operating their businesses, juggling schedules to care for children, aging parents, job, class, hair appointments and fitness classes.  But these same women have secretly mourned lost loves, they have; given away love, denied love, shared love, tried to buy love, been betrayed by love, got bankrupted and hurt by love.  Many were on a one-way street of love.  Many ignored the flashing red and yellow lights.  Many put their life on hold for years living with false hopes on holidays and weekends.  My slow learning classmates will tell you they were obsessed or depressed by love.  They will tell you how his “bad boy” risky behavior put her life in danger.  They will tell you how they sacrificed for their man; in prison, in a long distance relationship, the one who promised he “would get it together” or he convinced her was leaving his wife.  They will tell you they were caught by surprise when the romance stopped and mistreatment started. Many will say they chose to live in denial instead of living with truth. They will tell you they stayed in a loveless or abusive marriage.  They will tell you they were martyrs for their children or afraid of being alone so they put their heart on the “for sale” rack or even the “the clearance rack” rather than be alone. They will tell you they put their man on a pedestal and idolize him forsaking God, family and priorities for her self-presevation and peace of mind.  They will tell you took financial hits, emotional hits and physical hits from his hand instead being cherished with his heart.  They will tell you how they betrayed themselves by diminishing and dishonoring their own desires, worth, goals, virtue, time, body, heart and soul.  They will tell you how they suffered in silence as their crown of worthiness fell to the floor.  They will tell you they were not smart with their hearts.  Read “Love Smart with the Heart” in e-book/PDF format only $9.99 click here to order your copy now    If you want the book mailed to you, click here

Looking for Love

(excerpt from the book “Love Smart with Your Heart” by Jewel Diamond Taylor)…             “I have had my share of relationship foolishness, weakness, blindness, self-betrayal, hurt and blues.  Some women can be smart with their money and foolish with their heart.  And there are those who are smart with their heart and foolish with their money. Some are smart in their careers but make foolish mistakes in their relationships, parenting and family interactions.

Some of us; crave love, resist love, have never known real love, confuse lust with love, love too hard, are afraid to be loved, don’t know how to love, have been hurt by love, starving for love, nurture others with our love, obsess and smother others with our love, closed our hearts to love, have loved with conditions, think we can buy love with sex, money, looks, etc.,  proclaim we don’t need love and some take advantage of our love or some of us miss and take advantage of the love around us. Some have been hurt so bad that we withhold love, play games with people’s emotions or leaves pieces of broken hearts all around.  Some have been rejected and become self-destructive and self-loathing.   Some people bounce from one relationship to another without healing our broken heart from previous relationships.  Some are narcissistic and self-absorbed with the idea of love.   Some people have been naïve, desperate and immature in giving or receiving love and need to grow smart with their hearts.  Yes, smart people can make stupid choices with their hearts.  Some people look for love in all the wrong places and faces.  Some never know about the love of God.”

If you live in the Los Angeles area Nov. 10, I will be teaching from my book “Love Smart with Your Heart.”  This promises to be a very enlightening, empowering, eye-opening, heart-healing, mind-growing and fun experience.

Relationship Pearls of Wisdom

Relationships Pearls of Wisdom

pearl

Honor and take good care of yourself to avoid feeling resentful, desperate and empty. Feed your mind, body and spirit with healthy and worthy thoughts.  When you’re physically hungry… you’re more likely to stop for fast/junk food… you’re not as selective about what food you eat because you are starving.  It’s the same with emotional hunger for love and companionship.  Vow to yourself that you will stay away from the “junk/fast food and late night”snacks”.  Junk food type relationships happen when you are emotionally starving and accept less, mess and stress.

pearl  Generally speaking…men are seeking peace and control and women are seeking security and attention.  One wants rest, the other wants to build a nest.

pearl
Each of you brings emotional baggage and flaws into your relationship.  Be an encourager rather than a critic, a forgiver rather than a collector of hurts. Neither of you are perfect, just perfect for each other.
pearl When a woman is uncertain about a relationship she will either start asking questions about where the relationship is going or she will try to win him over, fix him, rescue him, change him or challenge him. When this happens men will either; be like a genie in a bottle and disappear, act like a turtle moving slow in the relationship, ignore, avoid, play dumb, become angry or start arguments which are indirect signals to let you know he is not on the same page with you.  Have a life.  Don’t give someone else sole responsibility for your happiness.

Notice and acknowledge when your mate is doing something right.  A big common mistake is taking each other for granted.  Remember to speak the languages of love (i.e. 1) touch, 2) thoughtful I’m thinking of you surprise gifts (they don’t have to be expensive), 3) acts of service, 4) quality time and 5) kind words).
Women ask God for these type of men.

1. The Unmarried Man –
There are too many women attempting have relationships with married men. Married men are not a candidate for single women to date… period! This includes married men who are separated (legally or otherwise). They are still married and not available to date. Married people have their own families and concerns to deal with. That being said, the unmarried man, who is devoted to the things of God, is the type of man you should be interested in dating. (1 Corinthians 7:32-35).

2. The Kingdom Seeker –
A man who is seeking God’s Will for His life will, not only seek out a woman to date, but will seek out his wife. The Bible says, “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you” (Matthew 6:33).  Ladies, you should be an asset; the thing that is *added* to him as he is FIRST seeking the kingdom of God.This is why I say, run as fast as you can for Jesus and the one who can keep up might be the one.

3. The Real Man –
No, I am not talking about machismo behavior (all the shoulders back, chest out, fist curling gestures and such)… Real men don’t need all of that. That’s what grown-boys do to get a woman’s attention. Real men “pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace” (2. Timothy 2:22). Real men regard women as a gift that is not to be taken advantage of; they see her as priceless and desire to cling to her (Matthew 19:5).   A real man’s character shows his high regard for a woman long before the dating stage.

4. The Learner –
A man who is in continual pursuit of knowledge is better equipped to handle life and execute on goals / plans. He should read, seek counsel, study continuously, etc… The Bible says, “Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed”( Proverbs 15:22). Also, “My people are destroyed because of lack of knowledge” (Hosea 4:6). A man who is willing to learn and gain knowledge in life should also be more open to gaining knowledge about love and having successful relationships.

5. The Multiplier –
A man shouldn’t just balance you out, he should constantly add to you. His presence should multiply your potential. He should add to the beauty of who you are and never take away from anything that is precious about you.  The Bible says, “Do not be deceived: ‘Bad company ruins good morals.’” (1 Corinthians 15:33). The man you date should never cause you to compromise good morals. He should seek ways to support you in your values. His values should complement yours.

6. The Servant –
A man who has demonstrated a pattern of submitting to authorities in his life (leadership, pastors, parents, etc…) will also have an understanding of how to submit to God as the head of his life and, subsequently, how to commit to his future wife. The Bible says, “Obey your leaders and submit to them… Let them do this with joy and not with groaning,” (Hebrews 13:17). His positive attitude towards authority figures is an indication of his servant’s heart and also provides a picture of how he can be in a dating relationship.

7. The Consistent Man –
Emotions rise and fall, but character shows with consistency. The consistent man is not in a rush because he does not have poor intentions, nor is he interested in manipulating a woman to be led by her emotions). He will take his time to get to know you and will allow you to get to know him as well. The Bible says, “Whoever walks in integrity will be delivered, but he who is crooked in his ways will suddenly fall.” (Proverbs 28:18).  Over time, the consistent man’s good character will still stand, while the man with bad intentions will also come to light.

These 7 profiles of men written by Q. McCall

click here to get your e-book “Love Smart with Your Heart”

Who’s driving you crazy?

A great source of stress comes from attempting every exhausting way to get those you love or those you have to work with to understand you. You may be struggling to improve communication or gain respect and understanding.

You may feel like your relationship or job is emotionally draining and taking all of your joy, peace, time and sanity.

You may be burned out from dealing with drama, deceit, dysfunction, or difficult people. The daily grind of figuring out what to say, how to say it and when to say it could be driving you crazy.

You may feel like; you are not being heard, they don’t follow your logic, you’re running into dead ends and they just don’t get it!

No one wins when you implode, explode, attack, blame, shut down, retaliate, whine, complain or begin to manipulate others. What you avoid or what you allow to anger you…controls you. OK…so now there is an old school song in my head…Stop in the name of love (Diana Ross and the Supremes). That’s right…STOP in the name of love.

STOP in the name of peace and well-being. STOP in the name of REALITY. The reality is people are different. Life can be messy, miraculous, mysterious, uncertain, unfair, beautiful, wonderful, crazy and painful.

Remember the main causes of your stress when you are exhausted from dealing with crazy and difficult family, friends, customers, and co-workers. These five things are most likely the source of your stress and unhappiness.

1. Your fantasies, denial and expectations collide with reality and you can’t make peace with reality.

2. You want somebody or something to change. You feel responsible to fix, change, protect or rescue.

3. You have allowed others to be like a vacuum cleaner and suck you into their “stuff”. You feel like a victim in a vacuum and you don’t know how to get out.

4. Unable to cope well, you now experience apathy, depression, health issues, quick fix temptations, let’s make a deal approach and lack energy and faith to explore your options.

5. You lack support, courage, faith, coping/communication skills or awareness to comprehend, mend, bend, blend, transcend or end the relationship.

STOP in the name of love and schedule your one-on-one life coaching/counseling session with me soon! e-mail JewelMotivates@gmail.com or call 323.964.1736.

Healing Relationship Rejection

As the Self-esteem Dr. I counsel with so many women with depression.  I hear so often “it’s hard being a single woman.”  These women are doing what R&B singer Brandy sings about in one of her songs...“Sitting up here in my room waiting for you to invest in my happiness.  I must confess I’m just a mess sitting up here in my room.”  Whether the man in your life is a friend, lover or husband… men like women who like themselves.  Women who have a very low self-esteem are dangerous.  Men tend to think they are hysterical, stalkers, whiners, weak, clingy and needy.

I believe that too many times women don’t have the courage, faith and self-esteem to end a one-sided, abusive, neglectful or adulterous relationship.  The idea of being alone or starting over is too scary.  I believe sometimes when we don’t know how to protect and guard our hearts, God will end the relationship for us.  And then I hear women say…”I don’t understand why he left me…I don’t understand why he won’t return my calls….I wonder what I did wrong?”

I’m not saying that the drama, disappointments, divorce and demise of relationships is always the man’s fault.  Men hurt also.  There are good men who give their all and get wounded also.  This message is specifically written to empower women who need to boost their Relationships I.Q.   This message is for women who want to heal and guard their hearts.  So ask I women, “Are you one link in a chain of fools?”  Are you living with hopeless devotion, waiting and waiting in a one-sided relationship?  Your head probably knows it doesn’t make sense to keep trying, hoping, crying, waiting and wasting your time on someone who can’t return your love.  It’s your heart that needs to see the truth.  Your heart will keep remembering the good times and keep you in denial about the bad times.

Don’t be someone’s down-time, spare-time, part-time or sometime girl.  If they can’t be there for you all of the time, then they’re not even worth your time.

Sometimes you’re not meant to make up after a breakup…it could be your wake up call to show you that you are not meant to be a couple.   Love when you’re ready… not when you’re lonely.   Sometimes you have to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.   You can’t see your next if you’re too busy looking at your Ex.  Your EX should stay an EX.  They’re the EXample of false love and an EXplanation for why you deserve better.  Don’t search for a man that will solve all your problems, he won’t.  Find one that won’t let you face them alone.  Lust, loneliness, superficial love and a Saturday only kinda of love can make you blind.  When someone shows  you who they are, believe it.  Take off your “pink” sunglasses.  Notice the red flags waving that warn you he not the one.  Follow your heart…but take your brain with you.   If you are attracted to the unavailable, “bad boy”, selfish, controlling or player type, you won’t be with a prayer.   Don’t just ask for a “good man”…seek a God man.  Rushing into emotional or sexual intimacy causes us to fast forward and skip over the real process of building a relationship based on time, dating, communication, trust, asking qualifying questions, honesty, disciplining our hormones, shared values, boundaries and friendship.

Brandy’s song musically warns women to not put their life on layaway waiting or someone to invest in your happiness.  It may sound hard and too cliche, but you’ve got to make your own self happy.  When the door closes on a relationship and it wasn’t your choice, why would you want someone back who doesn’t love, respect, honor or want you?

I have heard women in my one-on-one life coaching sessions tell me how they prayed asking the Lord to reveal to them what they needed to know about their boyfriend or husband.  “Lord let me know if he is cheating.  Lord let me know if he is the one for me.  Lord show me any flaws so I can decide if this relationship should go to the next level. Lord reveal to me if he is a controller…is he addicted to porn…will he be a good father to my children…does he have anger issues?   Lord let me know if he is gay, a liar, on drugs, married and just playing with my emotions.”

     When these ladies continued with their stories they told me their prayers were answered and they didn’t like what was revealed.  They didn’t like seeing the truth because now they needed the courage, faith and self-esteem to make a decision.   It’s better to be slapped by the truth then kissed with a lie.  A relationship without trust is like a car without gas, you can stay in it as long as you want … but it won’t go any where.  Guard your heart by keeping your eyes, ears and spirit open to guidance from God and those you trust.

With permission I share a recent email received and the response from the Self-esteem Dr. regarding relationships…

“I enjoyed your recent “Love Smart”  presentation on relationships in Chicago.  It is always such a blessing to hear from God as HE continues to utilize his magnificent gifts bestowed to you.  We are all gifted.  Sometimes it feels like the prize in the crackerjack box. I feel somewhat successful with my modest profession as a special education teacher.  I have always dedicated my life to giving and being ever so thankful for every little thing that comes to me.   I’ve isolated myself and have no confidence.  I feel somewhat embarrassed that I can not move on from an issue that haunts me and I believe has hindered me from the full potential I can achieve.  I’m in love with someone, who I know loves me with the capacity he can love.  It isn’t enough.   I feel a failure because I can’t believe :1) it didn’t work out.  2) I’m stuck  3) I’ve isolated and have torn my self-esteem to scraps of little self worth  4) I’m craving the co-dependency willing to settle for creeping and one-night interludes.  A MESS!!

This brother is a good guy but he and I have such a bitter history.   Dr. Jewel drugs play a serious part in this matter.  And I know that is an immediate red flag but it is so complicated.

Today, I want to call him and apologize for sharing my views.  Then I remember how ridiculous that is.  He needed to know that I am loving and loved, an important creation to this planet, sent by God with a design that no man can and/or should change.  Today, I want to celebrate loving and being loved, even and especially because it didn’t work out.  Surely, he needed to learn how to treat a woman, and respect a lady.  I am seeking an answer as to what the life lesson was to teach me.  Because today I am still alone.  Today, I feel the conflict of heart and mind.  I have no willpower whatsoever.  For this reason, I have become lazy, out of shape, lacking the energy for my ambitions.  I am angry with myself because this is over someone whom I cannot control.  Would we want to share a life with someone who you can control? I think not!  When I know that he is there just loving me, from a distance, I am so secure.  As soon as we confronted the finality of our relationships, I became broken inside.  Strange……Help with a word, a mantra, to move on.  You see it’s been a year of creeping, back and forth, professing our love to one another without making the sacrifices needed to solidify a commitment.  Does love exist?  Am I deluded?  I’m an intelligent woman, but I keep making stupid mistakes.  Please send me your book because you ran out of them when you here teaching on this subject.  Thank you again, for your ear.” E. S. Hopeless Romantic

Click here to order your copy of the e-book to download and review often on your computer, ipad, tablet, android (PDF format)

5 Important Relationship Life Lessons

As a Life Coach for women I have seen a pattern of common wounds because of distractions, dependencies, denial, deception,  drama, family dysfunction, and a lack of emotional boundaries and distorted beliefs.

I’m passionate and concerned about women being empowered to improve their relationships I.Q. because I was vulnerable, naive, desperate and unprepared to be married or to even understand myself or men.

I find that many women suffer from; fantasies, unrealistic expectations, the inability to read the warning signals, misinterpreting the intentions of the men they give their time, body, secrets, soul, money, peace of mind and future to, having low self-esteem not knowing their worth and the inability to move on after divorce and betrayal.

I think too often we suffer from the “myth-stakes” of believing in the cinderella fantasies, media, and the mindset of “if only …”  i.e. “I would be happier if only… I was married, if only we had more money, if only we had children, if only we have a bigger house, if only I could lose weight, if only he was more romantic, if only my childhood wasn’t so bad, if only he had a role model to show him how to treat me,  if only his family would leave us alone, if only things were different.”

In my Self-esteem Dr. Life Coaching one-on-one sessions, retreats, books and conferences I strive to empower women in all walks of life that;

Love should NOT hurt (don’t tolerate abuse (physical, emotional or financial)

Marriage is ministry (Each one comes to the relationship with emotional baggage that needs unpacking.  Are you willing to help each other unpack and minister to each other’s childhood wounds and past relationship wounds/expectations?)

Falling in love is a temporary high (growing in love, respect, trust, forgiveness, humor, goals, values, collaboration and peace comes with time, prayer and communication)

Don’t make permanent decisions about a temporary circumstance (I wanted to give up on my 42 year marriage many times until I learned to; become emotionally smart, work on healing my own issues, break the spells, choose my battles, resist habits of shutting down, escaping or blaming, respect our differences, nurture my self-esteem, get a life by enjoying and pursuing my purpose/ministry and honor my covenant to work through our differences and issues.  P.S.  It was worth it.)

Break the relationship spell.  The myth of a man; saving us, being perfect, rescuing us, being our Daddy, being our forever date, always be romantic and sensitive, totally free from his past habits, hurts and ex’s, being able to always provide, understand or protect us is a spell of illusion and false hope to leads to infidelity, abuse, depression, fighting and divorce court.

No man can ever give you your self-worth or crown. But if you don’t guard your heart, plenty of men can rob you of it. A Queen does not shrink to fit. She is able live with confidence as God guides her to fight the dragons, increase her territory and use her power to practice wisdom and compassion towards those in her life.

I’m smart in some areas of my life, but I was in the slow class of learning how to love smart with my heart. I wasn’t alone in this class. Many women are smart on their jobs, in college, operating their businesses, juggling schedules to care for children, aging parents, job, class, hair appointments and fitness classes. But these same women have secretly mourned lost loves, they have; given away love, denied love, shared love, tried to buy love, been betrayed by love, got bankrupted and hurt by love.   They will tell you how they settled instead of believing they deserved more.  Many were on a one-way street of love. Many ignored the flashing red and yellow lights. Many put their life on hold for years living with false hopes on holidays and weekends. My slow learning classmates will tell you they were obsessed or depressed by love. They will tell you how his “bad boy” risky behavior put her life in danger. They will tell you how they sacrificed for their man; in prison, in a long distance relationship, the one who promised he “would get it together” or he convinced her was leaving his wife. They will tell you they were caught by surprise when the romance stopped and mistreatment started. Many will say they chose to live in denial instead of living with truth. They will tell you they stayed in a loveless or abusive marriage. They will tell you they were martyrs for their children or afraid of being alone so they put their heart on the “for sale” rack or even the “the clearance rack” rather than be alone. They will tell you they put their man on a pedestal and idolize him forsaking God, family and the priorities for her self-presevation and peace of mind. They will tell you they took financial hits, emotional hits and physical hits from his hand instead being cherished with his heart. They will tell you how they betrayed themselves by diminishing and dishonoring their own desires, worth, goals, virtue, time, body, heart and soul.   They will tell you how they suffered in silence as their crown of worthiness fell to the floor. They will tell you they were not smart with their hearts.

I teach more about this topic in my e-book “Love Smart with Your Heart: Desperation is a Terrible Perfume to Wear.”  Click here to receive your copy to download and read often on your computer or tablet (PDF format)