- Before you jump ship, or have a relation(ship) wreck… remember this points. No two people are the same. Disagreements happen on a mental level. Disapproval of your mate’s appearance, choices, work, faith, and values happens on an emotional level. Disagreements are to be expected, but constant disapproval of your mate does more damage to your relationship. Harsh words can hurt more than physical pain. Taste your own words before you spit them out. Words hurt and scar more than you think, so THINK before you speak. And remember, what you say about others also says a whole lot about YOU. Disagreements will happen in any relationship, just remember disapproval with your nasty words, attitude, physical harm, silence or rejection can create deep wounds that never heal.
2. There are so many claims for your attention and time (e.g. TVs in each room, technology, work, church, school, and meetings). Families that pray, talk, share, and connect together on a regular basis, especially around the dinner table, have a better success rate for happiness and longevity.
3. Wouldn’t you rather come home to a castle…rather than a hassle? Do you want peace or to be right. Choose your battles wisely.
4. When relationships are new, generally speaking…men tend to rush into physical intimacy. Women tend to rush into emotional intimacy. Men think the connection is sex. Women think the connection happens from talking.
5. If you both agree on three books, you can reduce problems. They are the checkbook (financial harmony, goals, habits), the cookbook (sharing meals, talking, preparing meals for each other) and the Good Book (praying together and for each other, spiritual growth, study, maturing in God’s word together).
6. Women experience hurt more than anger. It’s healthy for women to learn how to explain and own their feelings to avoid depression. Men are taught to master his work, wealth, war, and women. Men are socially taught to exercise power and to refuse to surrender. Men are socialized to be silent and would probably have a heart attack before talking about a broken heart. The average man is socialized to deny, defending against and control his emotions.
7. Every relationship has a decision-making style. Poor communication in a relationship is a major cause for breakdowns and divorce.
- Supportive – let’s talk, we’ll decide
- Coaching – let’s talk, I’ll decide
- Delegating – you decide
- Controlling – I’ll decide
by Jewel Diamond Taylor, Relationship Building Seminar/Retreat Facilitator
323.964.1736, email – JewelMotivates@gmail.com
Comfort seekers, peace makers and conflict avoiders won’t express their true feelings when someone hurts you or betrays you. You’re afraid of the rejection you might receive if you honestly express your emotions and therefore don’t assert yourself. This often leads to depression, passive aggressive, self-destructive behavior and being an easy target for manipulation from others. A passive aggressive person is one who finds other means and ways to express his feelings and thoughts indirectly so as to hide the real feelings and thoughts. Usually the term is linked with feelings of piled up anger, but in a broader sense it refers to a person not being capable to be honest about his desires and emotions (passivity), and as a result they retaliate in frustration of not being able to be truthful (aggression).
If you cannot cope with your feelings and develop your voice regarding your relationSHIFT, jealousy, neglect, arguments, addictions, in-laws, blended family issues, finances, unhappiness, dishonesty in your marriage… passive aggressiveness can manifest (i.e. cheating affairs, burning dinner, lying, forgetfulness, pouting, sleeping in separate rooms, talking against your mate to your children, friends, co-workers or parents, silent treatments, no intimacy, no sex, sabotaging vacations, over working and busyness to stay away from home, sickness, depression, helplessness, neglecting home cleaning, clutter, excessive shopping or excessive eating, neglecting your appearance, acting like a victim, separate friends and activities).
Because the passive-aggressive doesn’t think they have many tools or self-worth to deal with the ups and downs of relationships, they rely on old patterns or what they saw parents or siblings or friends do in their relationships. When I began to honestly recognize my triggers of avoiding conflict, I had to admit I became a silent sufferer, procrastinator, a peacemaker, comfort seeker and conflict avoider.
I learned as a child and wife to repress, deny and ignore my true thoughts and feelings. When my mother died from breast cancer, I didn’t cope well emotionally or spiritually. That big SHIFT in our family rocked my world. I was afraid to express and feel my sadness and pain.
In the past when my husband and I had conflict or I felt unhappy and powerless, I wasn’t in touch with my anger. There were many SHIFTS in our marriage. By the time our oldest son died from cancer I had learned not to suppress my sadness. I believe I coped with the loss of our son (SHIFT) much better than when my mother transitioned. It still hurts but I have learned to give myself permission to talk about, grieve and take care of myself.
If you cannot cope with your emotions and SHIFT about your job … passive aggressiveness can show up (i.e. being late, gossip, severe absenteeism, slow productivity, long lunches, stealing, talking about co-workers or your boss behind their backs).
Anger and sadness are emotions that tell us when something is wrong, it can help you in terms of getting you to focus, pray, speak up, distance yourself from the boundary bullies, evaluate your values, needs and priorities, take care and honor yourself, identify your purpose and goals and strengthen your relationships and connections with God and others around you. Expressing emotions doesn’t make you weak… but believe me… ignoring them does. This blog is an excerpt from my book “SHIFT HAPPENS”. Order yours today and I will send your autographed copy to you to add to your personal library/ tool box.
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