- Before you jump ship, or have a relation(ship) wreck… remember this points. No two people are the same. Disagreements happen on a mental level. Disapproval of your mate’s appearance, choices, work, faith, and values happens on an emotional level. Disagreements are to be expected, but constant disapproval of your mate does more damage to your relationship. Harsh words can hurt more than physical pain. Taste your own words before you spit them out. Words hurt and scar more than you think, so THINK before you speak. And remember, what you say about others also says a whole lot about YOU. Disagreements will happen in any relationship, just remember disapproval with your nasty words, attitude, physical harm, silence or rejection can create deep wounds that never heal.
2. There are so many claims for your attention and time (e.g. TVs in each room, technology, work, church, school, and meetings). Families that pray, talk, share, and connect together on a regular basis, especially around the dinner table, have a better success rate for happiness and longevity.
3. Wouldn’t you rather come home to a castle…rather than a hassle? Do you want peace or to be right. Choose your battles wisely.
4. When relationships are new, generally speaking…men tend to rush into physical intimacy. Women tend to rush into emotional intimacy. Men think the connection is sex. Women think the connection happens from talking.
5. If you both agree on three books, you can reduce problems. They are the checkbook (financial harmony, goals, habits), the cookbook (sharing meals, talking, preparing meals for each other) and the Good Book (praying together and for each other, spiritual growth, study, maturing in God’s word together).
6. Women experience hurt more than anger. It’s healthy for women to learn how to explain and own their feelings to avoid depression. Men are taught to master his work, wealth, war, and women. Men are socially taught to exercise power and to refuse to surrender. Men are socialized to be silent and would probably have a heart attack before talking about a broken heart. The average man is socialized to deny, defending against and control his emotions.
7. Every relationship has a decision-making style. Poor communication in a relationship is a major cause for breakdowns and divorce.
- Supportive – let’s talk, we’ll decide
- Coaching – let’s talk, I’ll decide
- Delegating – you decide
- Controlling – I’ll decide
by Jewel Diamond Taylor, Relationship Building Seminar/Retreat Facilitator
323.964.1736, email – JewelMotivates@gmail.com
Comfort seekers, peace makers and conflict avoiders won’t express their true feelings when someone hurts you or betrays you. You’re afraid of the rejection you might receive if you honestly express your emotions and therefore don’t assert yourself. This often leads to depression, passive aggressive, self-destructive behavior and being an easy target for manipulation from others. A passive aggressive person is one who finds other means and ways to express his feelings and thoughts indirectly so as to hide the real feelings and thoughts. Usually the term is linked with feelings of piled up anger, but in a broader sense it refers to a person not being capable to be honest about his desires and emotions (passivity), and as a result they retaliate in frustration of not being able to be truthful (aggression).
If you cannot cope with your feelings and develop your voice regarding your relationSHIFT, jealousy, neglect, arguments, addictions, in-laws, blended family issues, finances, unhappiness, dishonesty in your marriage… passive aggressiveness can manifest (i.e. cheating affairs, burning dinner, lying, forgetfulness, pouting, sleeping in separate rooms, talking against your mate to your children, friends, co-workers or parents, silent treatments, no intimacy, no sex, sabotaging vacations, over working and busyness to stay away from home, sickness, depression, helplessness, neglecting home cleaning, clutter, excessive shopping or excessive eating, neglecting your appearance, acting like a victim, separate friends and activities).
Because the passive-aggressive doesn’t think they have many tools or self-worth to deal with the ups and downs of relationships, they rely on old patterns or what they saw parents or siblings or friends do in their relationships. When I began to honestly recognize my triggers of avoiding conflict, I had to admit I became a silent sufferer, procrastinator, a peacemaker, comfort seeker and conflict avoider.
I learned as a child and wife to repress, deny and ignore my true thoughts and feelings. When my mother died from breast cancer, I didn’t cope well emotionally or spiritually. That big SHIFT in our family rocked my world. I was afraid to express and feel my sadness and pain.
In the past when my husband and I had conflict or I felt unhappy and powerless, I wasn’t in touch with my anger. There were many SHIFTS in our marriage. By the time our oldest son died from cancer I had learned not to suppress my sadness. I believe I coped with the loss of our son (SHIFT) much better than when my mother transitioned. It still hurts but I have learned to give myself permission to talk about, grieve and take care of myself.
If you cannot cope with your emotions and SHIFT about your job … passive aggressiveness can show up (i.e. being late, gossip, severe absenteeism, slow productivity, long lunches, stealing, talking about co-workers or your boss behind their backs).
Anger and sadness are emotions that tell us when something is wrong, it can help you in terms of getting you to focus, pray, speak up, distance yourself from the boundary bullies, evaluate your values, needs and priorities, take care and honor yourself, identify your purpose and goals and strengthen your relationships and connections with God and others around you. Expressing emotions doesn’t make you weak… but believe me… ignoring them does. This blog is an excerpt from my book “SHIFT HAPPENS”. Order yours today and I will send your autographed copy to you to add to your personal library/ tool box.
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Divorce can be a very messy, costly and stressful time. I just wanted to share some helpful strategies for those in this dilemma from experienced civil and family attorney Areva Martin who offers her tips for how to protect yourself if you’re getting a divorce. Know your rights when it comes to spousal support, child support and marital assets — you’re not as powerless as you may feel.
Divorce proceedings are like war in most cases. You need to be prepared for the battle.
Before you even consider filing, consult with at least three attorneys in your area to find out upfront fees, etc. Seek good advice early on. Most cities have legal aid societies, and many lawyers offer free 30-minute consultations. Also, meet with your accountant to understand tax consequences and other issues related to valuation of property, retirement plans, stocks, etc.
Consider the timing of your divorce. If your spouse is due a bonus or raise, wait until it is paid out before filing, to avoid any claim that its not marital property. If you have been in long-term marriage, stick it out to the 10-year mark. This will help you get more of your spouse’s social security. Once you decide to get a divorce, file first. There are some advantages in a divorce proceeding for the person who files first.
Make yourself indispensible. Make sure your name is on all bank accounts, investment accounts, deeds of trust, utilities, etc. and that joint signatures are needed. This will prevent your spouse from raiding your bank accounts.
Make copies of all documents (tax returns, bank statements, credit card bills, W-2 forms, mortgage statements, loan agreements, etc.)
Track down the assets. You need to know where every penny is. This includes bank accounts, stocks, bonds, jewelry, etc. In a divorce, each spouse has to disclose all assets, but often individuals are less than forthcoming. Know what is out there as half, or some portion of it, is yours.
Protect your credit. You will need your credit to start your new lifestyle. Don’t co-sign for your spouse.
Stash some cash. You need to start saving your money well before you file. Your spouse probably already has money tucked away.
Try to negotiate temporary support payments. If you and your spouse are able to talk, try to negotiate temporary alimony and child support payments that will tide you over until divorce is final.
Separate your money. Take half of the money out of your accounts so that you will have some money to live on and so that your spouse won’t beat you to it.
Dust off your resume. Even though you may be entitled to alimony, it’s discretionary, and it won’t last forever.
Custody is decided by the courts when contested. It’s better to try to work something out before getting the courts involved. The courts have an obligation to determine who is in the best position to care for the children and what is in the best interest of the children. In most cases, assuming both parents are fit, the court will award joint custody, as law assumes children need both parents.
Don’t put the kids in the middle. Keep your kids out of it. Don’t involve them in the decision to get a divorce or any of the particulars. It’s bad for the kids, and it makes you look bad in a custody battle.
Don’t alienate your children from your spouse. Judges hate this, and it’s bad for the children.
Child support is mandated by law ” don’t worry. If your spouse has a job, and you have the kids, he or she will pay child support, and it can be garnished from his or her wages.
Document any type of abuse.
Decide who to confide in. During this planning stage, keep your discussions limited to one or two people you can trust and who you know won’t talk to your spouse.
Don’t fall for the hype. Don’t let your spouse convince you that you will end up with nothing, or you will be kicked out of the house. Your spouse doesn’t make these decisions, the judge does. Half of everything your spouse owns belongs to you.