9 steps to forgive yourself

forgive yourself shadow    Are you holding yourself hostage, feeling stuck, feeling ashamed or feeling unworthy because of your past?
    You may have; ​trusted the wrong person, made poor financial choices, ​mistreated someone, didn’t complete your studies, had serial meaningless relationships, mismanaged your money, hold grudges, misjudged others, walked away too soon from a relationship, business or job.
     You may have; a poor credit score, babies by different fathers, had a history of addiction, never learned to speak up in an abusive relationship, misused your body, ashamed of your family, been divorced several times, lied, abused or cheated on someone, or continually beat yourself up with negative self-talk about your body image or past poor choices.  It isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others, but sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
     If you can’t forgive yourself, you are doomed to live in shame.  When you can’t forgive others, you live in blame. Holding grudges, shame and blame can only block your blessings.  Don’t waste your power, time and energy on dead issues.  Let go of the negative garbage in your life.   Empty your mental trash can.  Begin to write in your journal about your feelings.  Working on patterns of your behavior is often more helpful than ruminating about your regrets.
     As I began to think about mistakes I made in my marriage, parenting, spending habits, real estate I shouldn’t have sold, food I shouldn’t have eaten, things I shouldn’t have bought, places I shouldn’t have gone to, people I shouldn’t have trusted, things I shouldn’t have said, or opportunities and money I lost because of doubt, procrastination, fear or feeling unworthy…I knew I had to learn how to forgive myself.
conference speaker author workshop     Once I no longer lived in denial and had the courage to face and own up to my harmful behavior and lack of information…I was able to forgive myself.  Once I knew better, I did better.  Once I stopped blaming others or seeking quick fixes when my emotional buttons were being pushed…I began to see a “better me”.  I began to recognize the unrealistic expectations I had of myself and others.  I learned how to repent, respect and repair broken promises and relationships.  I learned to reduce ruminating about past mis-takes (e.g. thinking about it over and over again).  I resolved in my mind, heart, and choices to continually grow in every area of my life.  I am more aware of my habits and mindsets so I can learn from past mis-takes so I won’t repeat them.  I learned to reach out to others to give and receive love, compassion, and connections…which helped me to realize I am not alone and creates accountability.  Once I remembered the mercy and grace of God in my life…wow!  I knew I was the only harsh judge of myself.  Rejoice in knowing you have God’s unconditional love.
     Don’t let the past rob you of your present or future.  Peaceful and productive days will come as you make up your mind to only focus on thinking, speaking and acting in a positive way.  Work on healing any areas in your life of shame and guilt.  You must feel worthy.  This clears the path for you to experience more love, more success, more breakthroughs, more blessings and more peace.   Always remember prayer cannot change your past but it can change your heart.

Jewel Diamond Taylor, ready to speak for your conference, campus, retreat, workshop, church or workplace training323.964.1736

To schedule your one-on-one life coaching/mentoring session with Jewel aka “EmpowHERment Life Coach” call 323.964.1736 or email – JewelMotivates@gmail.com

7 Ways to Save Your RelationSHIP

  1. Before you jump ship, or have a relation(ship) wreck… remember this points.  No two people are the same. Disagreements happen on a mental level.  Disapproval of your mate’s appearance, choices, work, faith, and values happens on an emotional level.  Disagreements are to be expected, but constant disapproval of your mate does more damage to your relationship. Harsh words can hurt more than physical pain.  Taste your own words before you spit them out.  Words hurt and scar more than you think, so THINK before you speak.  And remember, what you say about others also says a whole lot about YOU.  Disagreements will happen in any relationship, just remember disapproval with your nasty words, attitude, physical harm, silence or rejection can create deep wounds that never heal.

2. There are so many claims for your attention and time (e.g. TVs in each room, technology, work, church, school, and meetings).  Families that pray, talk, share, and connect together on a regular basis, especially around the dinner table, have a better success rate for happiness and longevity.

3. Wouldn’t you rather come home to a castle…rather than a hassle?  Do you want peace or to be right.  Choose your battles wisely.

4.  When relationships are new, generally speaking…men tend to rush into physical intimacy.  Women tend to rush into emotional intimacy.  Men think the connection is sex.  Women think the connection happens from talking.

5.  If you both agree on three books, you can reduce problems.  They are the checkbook (financial harmony, goals, habits), the cookbook (sharing meals, talking, preparing meals for each other) and the Good Book (praying together and for each other, spiritual growth, study, maturing in God’s word together).

6.  Women experience hurt more than anger.  It’s healthy for women to learn how to explain and own their feelings to avoid depression.  Men are taught to master his work, wealth, war, and women.  Men are socially taught to exercise power and to refuse to surrender.  Men are socialized to be silent and would probably have a heart attack before talking about a broken heart.  The average man is socialized to deny, defending against and control his emotions.

7.  Every relationship has a decision-making style.  Poor communication in a relationship is a major cause for breakdowns and divorce.

  1. Supportive – let’s talk, we’ll decide
  2. Coaching – let’s talk, I’ll decide
  3. Delegating – you decide
  4. Controlling – I’ll decide

by Jewel Diamond Taylor, Relationship Building Seminar/Retreat Facilitator

323.964.1736, email – JewelMotivates@gmail.com

 

RelationSHIFT or Job SHIFT

    Comfort seekers, peace makers and conflict avoiders won’t express their true feelings when someone hurts you or betrays you. You’re afraid of the rejection you might receive if you honestly express your emotions and therefore don’t assert yourself.  This often leads to depression, passive aggressive, self-destructive behavior and being an easy target for manipulation from others. A passive aggressive person is one who finds other means and ways to express his feelings and thoughts indirectly so as to hide the real feelings and thoughts. Usually the term is linked with feelings of piled up anger, but in a broader sense it refers to a person not being capable to be honest about his desires and emotions (passivity), and as a result they retaliate in frustration of not being able to be truthful (aggression).

 RELATIONSHIFT

    If you cannot cope with your feelings and develop your voice regarding your relationSHIFT, jealousy, neglect, arguments, addictions,  in-laws, blended family issues, finances, unhappiness, dishonesty in your marriage… passive aggressiveness can manifest  (i.e. cheating affairs, burning dinner, lying, forgetfulness, pouting, sleeping in separate rooms, talking against your mate to your children, friends, co-workers or parents, silent treatments, no intimacy, no sex, sabotaging vacations, over working and busyness to stay away from home, sickness, depression, helplessness, neglecting home cleaning, clutter, excessive shopping or excessive eating, neglecting your appearance, acting like a victim, separate friends and activities).
    Because the passive-aggressive doesn’t think they have many tools or self-worth to deal with the ups and downs of relationships, they rely on old patterns or what they saw parents or siblings or friends do in their relationships. When I began to honestly recognize my triggers of avoiding conflict, I had to admit I became a silent sufferer, procrastinator, a peacemaker, comfort seeker and conflict avoider. 

   I learned as a child and wife to repress, deny and ignore my true thoughts and feelings. When my mother died from breast cancer, I didn’t cope well emotionally or spiritually.  That big SHIFT in our family rocked my world.  I was afraid to express and feel my sadness and pain.

     In the past when my husband and I had conflict or I felt unhappy and powerless, I wasn’t in touch with my anger. There were many SHIFTS in our marriage. By the time our oldest son died from cancer I had learned not to suppress my sadness. I believe I coped with the loss of our son (SHIFT) much better than when my mother transitioned. It still hurts but I have learned to give myself permission to talk about, grieve and take care of myself.

JOB SHIFT

If you cannot cope with your emotions and SHIFT about your job … passive aggressiveness can show up (i.e. being late, gossip, severe absenteeism, slow productivity, long lunches, stealing, talking about co-workers or your boss behind their backs).

     Anger and sadness are emotions that tell us when something is wrong, it can help you in terms of getting you to focus, pray, speak up, distance yourself from the boundary bullies, evaluate your values, needs and priorities, take care and honor yourself, identify your purpose and goals and strengthen your relationships and connections with God and others around you. Expressing emotions doesn’t make you weak… but believe me… ignoring them does.  This blog is an excerpt from my book “SHIFT HAPPENS”.  Order yours today and I will send your autographed copy to you to add to your personal library/ tool box.

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5 Reasons Why People Stay Stuck

unhappy-couple5 reasons why you may be stuck in a toxic, abusive, unhappy or unequally yoked relationship or career position;
1) You don’t feel worthy. You feel you deserve bad treatment as your punishment for your past poor judgement, mistakes, or secrets sins…so you tolerate pain, unhappiness and bad behavior.
2) You never saw a “good relationship model” before to show you that you don’t have to live in pain, limitation or fear. You take on the role of a “fixer”, “victim”, “rescuer” or “doormat” or the “silent sufferer.”
3) You gain some type of emotional benefit by living as a victim.
4) You were programmed and told as a child that you were no good, ugly, unwanted, too much to handle, too bad, etc. So you don’t feel worthy of love or happiness.
5) You were never exposed to the knowledge, experiences, tools, support or relationships that can empower you to break the chains of fear, abuse, procrastination and low self-esteem.
The Self-esteem Dr. Jewel Diamond Taylor, Life Coach, Author, Conference Keynote Speaker
323.964.1736

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Book – PowHERfull Inspiration

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e-book Wisdom for Women

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How to Live and Feel Too Blessed to Be Stressed

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 Success Gems (0ut of stock)

 

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e-Book “Shift Happens”

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Follow Your Heart…But Take Your Brain With You

 

 

 

e-book – Follow Your Heart But Take Your Brain with You

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Divorce Survival Tips

divorce

Divorce can be a very messy, costly and stressful time.  I just wanted to share some helpful strategies for those in this dilemma from  experienced civil and family attorney Areva Martin  who offers her tips for how to protect yourself if you’re getting a divorce. Know your rights when it comes to spousal support, child support and marital assets — you’re not as powerless as you may feel.

Divorce proceedings are like war in most cases. You need to be prepared for the battle.
Before you even consider filing, consult with at least three attorneys in your area to find out upfront fees, etc. Seek good advice early on. Most cities have legal aid societies, and many lawyers offer free 30-minute consultations. Also, meet with your accountant to understand tax consequences and other issues related to valuation of property, retirement plans, stocks, etc.
Consider the timing of your divorce. If your spouse is due a bonus or raise, wait until it is paid out before filing, to avoid any claim that its not marital property. If you have been in long-term marriage, stick it out to the 10-year mark. This will help you get more of your spouse’s social security. Once you decide to get a divorce, file first. There are some advantages in a divorce proceeding for the person who files first.
Make yourself indispensible. Make sure your name is on all bank accounts, investment accounts, deeds of trust, utilities, etc. and that joint signatures are needed. This will prevent your spouse from raiding your bank accounts.
Make copies of all documents (tax returns, bank statements, credit card bills, W-2 forms, mortgage statements, loan agreements, etc.)
Track down the assets. You need to know where every penny is. This includes bank accounts, stocks, bonds, jewelry, etc. In a divorce, each spouse has to disclose all assets, but often individuals are less than forthcoming. Know what is out there as half, or some portion of it, is yours.
Protect your credit. You will need your credit to start your new lifestyle. Don’t co-sign for your spouse.
Stash some cash. You need to start saving your money well before you file. Your spouse probably already has money tucked away.
Try to negotiate temporary support payments. If you and your spouse are able to talk, try to negotiate temporary alimony and child support payments that will tide you over until divorce is final.
Separate your money. Take half of the money out of your accounts so that you will have some money to live on and so that your spouse won’t beat you to it.
Dust off your resume. Even though you may be entitled to alimony, it’s discretionary, and it won’t last forever.
Custody is decided by the courts when contested. It’s better to try to work something out before getting the courts involved. The courts have an obligation to determine who is in the best position to care for the children and what is in the best interest of the children. In most cases, assuming both parents are fit, the court will award joint custody, as law assumes children need both parents.
Don’t put the kids in the middle. Keep your kids out of it. Don’t involve them in the decision to get a divorce or any of the particulars. It’s bad for the kids, and it makes you look bad in a custody battle.
Don’t alienate your children from your spouse. Judges hate this, and it’s bad for the children.
Child support is mandated by law ” don’t worry. If your spouse has a job, and you have the kids, he or she will pay child support, and it can be garnished from his or her wages.
Document any type of abuse.
Decide who to confide in. During this planning stage, keep your discussions limited to one or two people you can trust and who you know won’t talk to your spouse.
Don’t fall for the hype. Don’t let your spouse convince you that you will end up with nothing, or you will be kicked out of the house. Your spouse doesn’t make these decisions, the judge does. Half of everything your spouse owns belongs to you.